Episode 2 Jack Black Transcript
Cold open
The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Jack Black. Jack Black? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Black!
Jack It's great to be here. Even these guys likes me.
Behemoth, Afghan Hound and Droop are preparing him for the show.
Behemoth You sure got nice teeth, Jack Black.
Afghan Hound Yeah.
Theme
Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Jack Black! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Waldorf Why do we always come here?
Statler I guess we'll never know.
Waldorf It's like some kind of torture
Waldorf and Statler To have to watch the show!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmonella. Wocka wocka!
The curtain closes.
Kermit To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Jack Black
Jack is surrounded by Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet.
Boys and Girls And now let's get things started!
Audience Why don't you get things started?
Statler I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Waldrof Dreams? Those were nightmares!
They chuckle.
Kermit It's time to get things started
Kermit and the Muppets On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call The Muppet Show!
Gonzo's trumpet making the Tarzan yell.
Gonzo's Act
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people. Uh, uh, anyhow, tonight we got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous, Jack Black. Uh, uh, but first the Great Gonzo will perform being shout out of a cannon? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Kermit leads out as the curtains open to a fanfare. Gonzo inside a cannon. Crazy Harry assisted him while carried a plunger box.
Gonzo Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I The Great Gonzo with a help of my assisted Crazy Harry. I will be shooting myself out of a cannon. I'll probably be blowing myself up?
Crazy Harry Did somebody say "blowing up"?
Gonzo No!
BOOM! Harry's explosion causing Gonzo be blow out from the cannon, into the air and exit out the theatre.
Waldorf (laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Statler Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
They chuckle.
Backstage
Crazy Harry go backstage.
Kermit Oh, good grief.
Walter (entering) Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit Yeah, Walter?
Walter Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Kermit Why?
Walter (pulls him the wings) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second? See, my brother Gary and Mary is in the audience.
Gary and Mary waves from the audience.
Kermit Gee that wonderful.
Walter Yeah, but I'm still nervous.
Kermit There nothing to be nervous about.
Walter Really?
Kermit Oh sure. It's just your one shot to go on live TV before millions of people to prove you have what it takes to become one of the Muppets.
Walter runs out, panicking.
Kermit What it something I say?
"School of Rock"
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Jack performs "School of Rock" with the Electric Mayhem.
Applause.
Backstage
Downstairs stage room door, Walter is sitting on trunk and feelings sad.
Kermit (entering) What are you doing down here?
Kermit You shouldn't be down here.
Walter Kermit, you know, you've been so nice to me, but I have to face the facts.
Walter What if people laugh at me?
Kermit Look, Walter, you're my friend, and Gary always gonna love you, but you belong here, with us guys. Hey, listen, Walter, you're the one who brought the Muppets back together again. You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You're my hero.
Walter I can't. I... I'd rather stay here.
Kermit Walter the only person you're going to meet down here are rats.
Rizzo and the other rats pass them.
Rizzo Do you mind?
Yolanda Yeah!
"Mahna Mahna"
Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mahna Mahna."
As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Kermit Hello? OK. Just a second.
Kermit It's for you.
Mahna Mahna (on other end) Mahna mana!
Applause.
Talk spot
Kermit Hey, Jack, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppets.
Jack Well, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit Hey, can I ask you a question?
Jack Of course.
Kermit In Nacho Libre, Well, how do all the stunts?
Jack Well, Kermit, it takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Kermit Un, no.
Jack Ok well I show you then.
He grab Kermit's arm, places them under Kermit's armpit, and hold at Kermit's neck.
Kermit What are you doing?
Jack This is the classic full nelson.
Kermit I see.
Jack And the most important of wrestling is the take down.
Kermit The take down?
Jack let go Kermit's arm, exits to creates some space, then runs out and jumps through the air lands on Kermit. Jack rise up.
Piggy (entering) What did you do to my frog?
Jack Well I?
Piggy I'll show you. Hiyah!
Piggy karate-chops Jack Black, who falls over backwards.
Pigs in Space
Announcer And now, another controversial episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the voracious Captain Link Hogthrob … the gluttonous First Mate Miss Piggy … and the assyrians Dr. Julius Strangepork. Tonight's episode Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Due the sudden illness of its the voracious Captain Link. The entire crew of Swinetrek is in distress.
Strangepork What are you doing you vile creature?
Squid None of you business! By! [exits.]
Link DOCTOR!
Strangepork Oh Linky your a life.
Link Oh I feel terrible!
Piggy Oh stop being such a baby so you out with someone hate some bad eggs then a multi-armed weirdo glue itself to your face for a few hours I had worse days!
Link Yeah like you didn't want to.
Piggy I was stranded on an asteroid with only one air supply we had to buddy breed!
Link You have your lips all over my face you hussy!
Piggy I didn't hear you complaining!
Link Well how can I complain you wouldn't share the oxygen!
Strangepork Peek out of you two!
Link Oh I don't feel so good my stomach feels like it's going to explode.
Strangepork That a bad sign.
Link Oh my stomach looks like it's going to explode. [Link's chest start moving.]
Strangepork And that's a worst sigh.
Link Oh you known I always wanted rippling abs but this is ridiculous.
Piggy Should I get an umbrella?
Pepe the King Prawn bursts out from Link's chest.
Link Well that new.
Pepe Aye-yai-yai that was disgusting alright. I don't know who you are buddy. But your stomach is a dump. Huh you eat like a pig... (look toward Link) Oh you are a pig.
Link What are doing my stomach?
Pepe Aye I have no idea I looked ovary and ovary and there is no room.
They all chuckle.
Link Well who are you?
Pepe Oh I'm a alien baby that was born in your tummy alright.
Piggy Should I throw a shower are a boy or a girl?
Pepe Eh I'm flexible.
Link An alien a trying to sneak aboard our ship unnoticed that takes guts.
Pepe I know I'm waiting there.
They all chuckle.
Strangepork Okay listen up b do you have the appropriate documentation?
Pepe Eh what documentaries I'm a baby give me kisses.
Strangepork According to the rules of intergalactic immigration this little fella is now a foreign member of our crew with all the benefit and duties.
Pepe He say duty.
Link I'm a daddy welcome aboard son.
Piggy Hello jr.
Strangepork Now is a full member of the crew you will be expected to pay monthly dues for Expendables and laundry.
Pepe Wha... but I don't have any monies.
They starting exclaims to Pepe for the way get money .
Pepe I want to go back into the disgusting tummy.
Announcer Tune in again next time when you hear the alien baby say.
Pepe Oh by a way I found your car key.
Link Oh good.
Announcer On the next gory gut-busting episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
UK Spot
Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.
Quongo I've been around the world,
Had my pick of any girl.
You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo Ev'rybody knows my name.
Little people Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?)
Quongo But it's just a crazy game.
Little people What's goin' on up there?
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo Listen to the band, they're playing just for me. The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Quongo Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Little people (groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.
Quongo All the applause, all the parades,
And all the money I have made…
Little people Can you spare a dime?
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo Listen, all you fools out there --
Little people Oh yeah? What?
Quongo Go on and love me! I don't care!
Little people (groaning)
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)
Applause.
"The Whistling Caruso"
Kermit Oh, Walter!
Walter Yeah.
Kermit Last chance Walter are you ready?
Walter Yes I want to it.
Kermit Oh good. [Kermit eventually walks onstage.]
Kermit enters onstage.
Kermit And now folks, I am proud to present a brand-new act to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Walter!
Walter performs "The Whistling Caruso"
Veterinarian's Hospital
Announcer And now, it time once again for, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Treisa Gary lies on the operating table.
Rowlf Me! [immediately pops up]
Treisa Oh my god!
Rowlf tapping on Treisa.
Treisa What you doing?
Rowlf Oh don't worry I won't bite unless you come at me with a rolled-up newspaper.
Janice walks onstage with a mallet.
Janice Just here to check your reflexes
Treisa Oh no not with that thing.
Janice Reflexes seem fine.
Rowlf Hey nurse that's not the right instruments.
Janice Well what is the right instruments?
He displays a tambourine in the other hand.
Rowlf This is the right instruments.
Rowlf play the tambourine and Janice dance along.
Treisa What happen someone help I need help!
Miss Piggy walks onstage.
Miss Piggy I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was with a patient who need mouth to mouth.
Rowlf Yeah go figure.
He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy (annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Rowlf Oh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Miss Piggy Where did we get this patient from?
Janice Oh, well, she was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Treisa It did not!
Janice I know, but it's my only joke.
They all laugh.
Treisa Ah! That joke's like 50 years old!
Miss Piggy, Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Rowlf Cue the announcer!
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in again next time when you hear Treisa say.
Treisa Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, I think the patient is delusional.
Janice Delusional she look real to me.
They all laugh.
"On the Road Again"
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Jack performs "On the Road Again" with Walter (including Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet)
Goodnights
Kermit Well, that take to the end for another Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring out to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black, yaaaay!
Applause.
Jack Thank you Kermit. I have really enjoyed being here.
Kermit Oh, thank you.
Walter Yeah.
Jack Hey Watler --
Walter Hmm?
Jack — did your brother and Mary enjoy the show?
Walter Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask them.
Kermit Oh, listen, Walter, why don't you ask them?
Walter Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Gary! How'd you and Mary like the show?
Gary and Mary (snores)
Walter (facepalms) Oh! Gary, how could you? Oh!
Jack Black gets carried offstage by Hobo Joe and the Hobos.
Hobo All hail the Hobo King.
Kermit Oh, no. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll and the theme song plays.
Statler That was the greatest show ever!
Waldrof Hey, it was old.
Both laugh.
Cold open
The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Jack Black. Jack Black? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Black!
Jack It's great to be here. Even these guys likes me.
Behemoth, Afghan Hound and Droop are preparing him for the show.
Behemoth You sure got nice teeth, Jack Black.
Afghan Hound Yeah.
Theme
Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Jack Black! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Waldorf Why do we always come here?
Statler I guess we'll never know.
Waldorf It's like some kind of torture
Waldorf and Statler To have to watch the show!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Boy, did I go to a bad seafood place last night. The catch of the day was salmonella. Wocka wocka!
The curtain closes.
Kermit To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Jack Black
Jack is surrounded by Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet.
Boys and Girls And now let's get things started!
Audience Why don't you get things started?
Statler I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Waldrof Dreams? Those were nightmares!
They chuckle.
Kermit It's time to get things started
Kermit and the Muppets On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call The Muppet Show!
Gonzo's trumpet making the Tarzan yell.
Gonzo's Act
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people. Uh, uh, anyhow, tonight we got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous, Jack Black. Uh, uh, but first the Great Gonzo will perform being shout out of a cannon? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Kermit leads out as the curtains open to a fanfare. Gonzo inside a cannon. Crazy Harry assisted him while carried a plunger box.
Gonzo Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I The Great Gonzo with a help of my assisted Crazy Harry. I will be shooting myself out of a cannon. I'll probably be blowing myself up?
Crazy Harry Did somebody say "blowing up"?
Gonzo No!
BOOM! Harry's explosion causing Gonzo be blow out from the cannon, into the air and exit out the theatre.
Waldorf (laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Statler Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
They chuckle.
Backstage
Crazy Harry go backstage.
Kermit Oh, good grief.
Walter (entering) Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit Yeah, Walter?
Walter Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Kermit Why?
Walter (pulls him the wings) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second? See, my brother Gary and Mary is in the audience.
Gary and Mary waves from the audience.
Kermit Gee that wonderful.
Walter Yeah, but I'm still nervous.
Kermit There nothing to be nervous about.
Walter Really?
Kermit Oh sure. It's just your one shot to go on live TV before millions of people to prove you have what it takes to become one of the Muppets.
Walter runs out, panicking.
Kermit What it something I say?
"School of Rock"
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Jack performs "School of Rock" with the Electric Mayhem.
Applause.
Backstage
Downstairs stage room door, Walter is sitting on trunk and feelings sad.
Kermit (entering) What are you doing down here?
Kermit You shouldn't be down here.
Walter Kermit, you know, you've been so nice to me, but I have to face the facts.
Walter What if people laugh at me?
Kermit Look, Walter, you're my friend, and Gary always gonna love you, but you belong here, with us guys. Hey, listen, Walter, you're the one who brought the Muppets back together again. You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You're my hero.
Walter I can't. I... I'd rather stay here.
Kermit Walter the only person you're going to meet down here are rats.
Rizzo and the other rats pass them.
Rizzo Do you mind?
Yolanda Yeah!
"Mahna Mahna"
Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform the classic variety show number, "Mahna Mahna."
As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Kermit Hello? OK. Just a second.
Kermit It's for you.
Mahna Mahna (on other end) Mahna mana!
Applause.
Talk spot
Kermit Hey, Jack, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppets.
Jack Well, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit Hey, can I ask you a question?
Jack Of course.
Kermit In Nacho Libre, Well, how do all the stunts?
Jack Well, Kermit, it takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Kermit Un, no.
Jack Ok well I show you then.
He grab Kermit's arm, places them under Kermit's armpit, and hold at Kermit's neck.
Kermit What are you doing?
Jack This is the classic full nelson.
Kermit I see.
Jack And the most important of wrestling is the take down.
Kermit The take down?
Jack let go Kermit's arm, exits to creates some space, then runs out and jumps through the air lands on Kermit. Jack rise up.
Piggy (entering) What did you do to my frog?
Jack Well I?
Piggy I'll show you. Hiyah!
Piggy karate-chops Jack Black, who falls over backwards.
Pigs in Space
Announcer And now, another controversial episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the voracious Captain Link Hogthrob … the gluttonous First Mate Miss Piggy … and the assyrians Dr. Julius Strangepork. Tonight's episode Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Due the sudden illness of its the voracious Captain Link. The entire crew of Swinetrek is in distress.
Strangepork What are you doing you vile creature?
Squid None of you business! By! [exits.]
Link DOCTOR!
Strangepork Oh Linky your a life.
Link Oh I feel terrible!
Piggy Oh stop being such a baby so you out with someone hate some bad eggs then a multi-armed weirdo glue itself to your face for a few hours I had worse days!
Link Yeah like you didn't want to.
Piggy I was stranded on an asteroid with only one air supply we had to buddy breed!
Link You have your lips all over my face you hussy!
Piggy I didn't hear you complaining!
Link Well how can I complain you wouldn't share the oxygen!
Strangepork Peek out of you two!
Link Oh I don't feel so good my stomach feels like it's going to explode.
Strangepork That a bad sign.
Link Oh my stomach looks like it's going to explode. [Link's chest start moving.]
Strangepork And that's a worst sigh.
Link Oh you known I always wanted rippling abs but this is ridiculous.
Piggy Should I get an umbrella?
Pepe the King Prawn bursts out from Link's chest.
Link Well that new.
Pepe Aye-yai-yai that was disgusting alright. I don't know who you are buddy. But your stomach is a dump. Huh you eat like a pig... (look toward Link) Oh you are a pig.
Link What are doing my stomach?
Pepe Aye I have no idea I looked ovary and ovary and there is no room.
They all chuckle.
Link Well who are you?
Pepe Oh I'm a alien baby that was born in your tummy alright.
Piggy Should I throw a shower are a boy or a girl?
Pepe Eh I'm flexible.
Link An alien a trying to sneak aboard our ship unnoticed that takes guts.
Pepe I know I'm waiting there.
They all chuckle.
Strangepork Okay listen up b do you have the appropriate documentation?
Pepe Eh what documentaries I'm a baby give me kisses.
Strangepork According to the rules of intergalactic immigration this little fella is now a foreign member of our crew with all the benefit and duties.
Pepe He say duty.
Link I'm a daddy welcome aboard son.
Piggy Hello jr.
Strangepork Now is a full member of the crew you will be expected to pay monthly dues for Expendables and laundry.
Pepe Wha... but I don't have any monies.
They starting exclaims to Pepe for the way get money .
Pepe I want to go back into the disgusting tummy.
Announcer Tune in again next time when you hear the alien baby say.
Pepe Oh by a way I found your car key.
Link Oh good.
Announcer On the next gory gut-busting episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
UK Spot
Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.
Quongo I've been around the world,
Had my pick of any girl.
You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo Ev'rybody knows my name.
Little people Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?)
Quongo But it's just a crazy game.
Little people What's goin' on up there?
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo Listen to the band, they're playing just for me. The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Quongo Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Little people (groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.
Quongo All the applause, all the parades,
And all the money I have made…
Little people Can you spare a dime?
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo Listen, all you fools out there --
Little people Oh yeah? What?
Quongo Go on and love me! I don't care!
Little people (groaning)
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)
Applause.
"The Whistling Caruso"
Kermit Oh, Walter!
Walter Yeah.
Kermit Last chance Walter are you ready?
Walter Yes I want to it.
Kermit Oh good. [Kermit eventually walks onstage.]
Kermit enters onstage.
Kermit And now folks, I am proud to present a brand-new act to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Walter!
Walter performs "The Whistling Caruso"
Veterinarian's Hospital
Announcer And now, it time once again for, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Treisa Gary lies on the operating table.
Rowlf Me! [immediately pops up]
Treisa Oh my god!
Rowlf tapping on Treisa.
Treisa What you doing?
Rowlf Oh don't worry I won't bite unless you come at me with a rolled-up newspaper.
Janice walks onstage with a mallet.
Janice Just here to check your reflexes
Treisa Oh no not with that thing.
Janice Reflexes seem fine.
Rowlf Hey nurse that's not the right instruments.
Janice Well what is the right instruments?
He displays a tambourine in the other hand.
Rowlf This is the right instruments.
Rowlf play the tambourine and Janice dance along.
Treisa What happen someone help I need help!
Miss Piggy walks onstage.
Miss Piggy I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was with a patient who need mouth to mouth.
Rowlf Yeah go figure.
He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy (annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Rowlf Oh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Miss Piggy Where did we get this patient from?
Janice Oh, well, she was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Treisa It did not!
Janice I know, but it's my only joke.
They all laugh.
Treisa Ah! That joke's like 50 years old!
Miss Piggy, Rowlf & Janice (groan)
Rowlf Cue the announcer!
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in again next time when you hear Treisa say.
Treisa Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, I think the patient is delusional.
Janice Delusional she look real to me.
They all laugh.
"On the Road Again"
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black! YAAAAYY!
Jack performs "On the Road Again" with Walter (including Pops, Old Tom, Gramps, Bunny, and The Barbershop Cactus Quartet)
Goodnights
Kermit Well, that take to the end for another Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring out to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Black, yaaaay!
Applause.
Jack Thank you Kermit. I have really enjoyed being here.
Kermit Oh, thank you.
Walter Yeah.
Jack Hey Watler --
Walter Hmm?
Jack — did your brother and Mary enjoy the show?
Walter Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask them.
Kermit Oh, listen, Walter, why don't you ask them?
Walter Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Gary! How'd you and Mary like the show?
Gary and Mary (snores)
Walter (facepalms) Oh! Gary, how could you? Oh!
Jack Black gets carried offstage by Hobo Joe and the Hobos.
Hobo All hail the Hobo King.
Kermit Oh, no. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll and the theme song plays.
Statler That was the greatest show ever!
Waldrof Hey, it was old.
Both laugh.
Christmas Special Sesame Street Transcript
Cold open
The Muppets are preparing to leave.
Kermit OK, OK great job everybody. Well we all set. Now were ready to head home.
Miss Piggy Oh Kermie, it this wonderful you and me celebrate Christmas.
Miss Piggy then cuddling with Kermit.
Kermit (groans) Oh, good grief.
Scooter Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Yes, Scooter?
Scooter We're all ready.
Kermit OK guys let start head out.
As Kermit open the stage door, snow came out from the door him.
Kermit It a blizzard out there.
The Muppets watching the news on TV.
Newman Here is a Muppet News Flash. The snows continues to falls. All schools, all stores and all roads will be closed until further notice. In other words we're snowed in.
PLOP! It snows on him.
Kermit Oh, no!
Miss Piggy (scream in anger) What!
Walter Christmas is ruined.
Fozzie What going to do?
Gonzo I'm sure will think of something.
Kermit I thought of something. We can have our own Christmas party right here.
Fozzie approaches him.
Fozzie Kermit! We don't have any one for guest star.
Janice Bumper!
Caroling Music.
Floyd Do you hear something?
The Muppets began hearing singing, gradually listening.
Kermit It coming from outside.
Kermit goes down the stairs and out the stage door.
Outside, the cast of Sesame Street sing as they approach.
♪♪ Sesame Street Muppets Here we come a-caroling among the leaves so green. Here we come a-wandering so fair to be seen. Love and joy come to you. And to you glad tidings too. And God bless you and send you a happy new year. And God send you a happy new year. ♪♪
Kermit It's the Sesame Street gang!
Big Bird Merry Christmas from Sesame Street!
Sesame Street Gang Merry Christmas!
♪♪ Big Bird Deck the halls with boughs of holly. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Cookie Monster 'Tis the season to be jolly. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Grover Don we now our gay apparel. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Gladys the Cow Troll the ancient yuletide carol.♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪
Bert Okay, Ernie, you're next.
♪♪ Ernie See the blazing yule before us. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪
♪♪ Bert Strike the harp and join the chorus. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪
Oscar the Grouch I will not sing this song.
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Count von Count While I count the yuletide treasure. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Big Bird Your turn, Herry Monster.
♪♪ Herry Monster That's the way the old year passes ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Guy Smiley Build anew ye lads and lasses. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Ernie & Bert Sing ye joyous all together. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa la la la la la la la la, Deck the halls with boughs of holly, 'Tis the season to be jolly. fa la la la la la laaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaa ♪♪
Kermit What you doing here?
Oscar Funny, I was about ask you the same thing and sarcasm.
Oscar (dirty laugh) Heh heh heh!
Sesame Street Muppets Oscar!
Kermit Well I'm for Christmas with all the guys. What going on?
Big Bird We were under our way home from Christmas caroling, but we got a little lost.
Kermit By walking. Your never make it in this weather. Hey, wait why you gang come in join our party.
Big Bird Really?
Kermit Sure, we like to.
Elmo Elmo like party.
Kermit Oh good! Hay guys!
The Sesame Street Muppets, join the festivities.
Theme
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest stars, the cast of Sesame Street! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Waldorf Why do we always come here?
Statler I guess we'll never know.
Waldorf It's like some kind of torture
Waldorf and Statler To have to watch the show!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks? Santa Jaws! Aaaaah! Wocka wocka!
A shark wearing a Santa hat, scaring him off the stage. The curtain closes.
Kermit To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — the cast of Sesame Street.
The cast of Sesame Street in the stage.
Boys and Girls And now let's get things started!
Audience Why don't you get things started?
Oscar appears in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler You're looking a little grounchy!
Oscar the Grouch scowls.
Kermit It's time to get things started
Kermit and the Muppets On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call The Muppet Show!
Glitters spray out of Gonzo's trumpet and fall down like a snow globe.
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi ho, hi ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, and a very special show we have for you tonight. But uh, but first I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show. Uh, you see, our reagular scheduled to be home for the hoilday, but due the bad weather. So we decides to celebrate Christmas here. Yes.
Enter Forgetful Jones.
Kermit Forgetful what are you doing?
Forgetful Jones Why I'm going the opening number with the all gang.
Kermit Uh, not yet, Forgetful Jones. After I introduces.
Forgetful Jones Oh. I'll forgot.
Kermit Out, out, out!
Forgetful Jones exits.
Kermit Sorry about that. Anyhow, with guest stars tonight are friends of mine. And here they are now, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Sesame Street! YAAAAYY!
The curtains open, revealing the Sesame Street gang.
Sesame Street Gang Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street
Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street
It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful
Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...
How to get to Sesame Street
How to get to...
Sesame Street!
Applause.
Statler We how to get to Sesame Street.
Waldorf We don’t know how to out this theater?
They chuckle.
Backstage
The backstage is decorating for Christmas.
The Sesame Street gang through from the stage.
Kermit Okay, let's see...next we have, uh...
Grover HEY FROGGY!!!
Kermit Oh no.
Grover rushes up to Kermit and gives him a hard slap on the back. Kermit slinks down.
Grover Hello there it is I your pal Grover here. What are you doing?
Kermit Well Grover if you really must know I'm
Grover Oh can't I help?
Kermit Uh, no.
Grover Oh please, please, please.
Kermit Must you?
Grover Yes.
Kermit OK Grover. You help by...by...?
Mr. Johnson past by.
Kermit By helping that guy.
Grover OK froggy what ever you say.
He approaches Mr. Johnson.
Grover Hello Sir!
Mr. Johnson (screaming) Oh, no. No, no!
Mr. Johnson runs out, panicking.
Grover Wait sir I didn't even get a chance to help you! (exits)
Kermit Well, that was something.
The Swedish Chef
In the kitchen, the Swedish Chef sings his theme tune, then tosses two wooded spoons behind him.
Swedish Chef Excusie. (mock Swedish) roost torkey. Here we get da torkey. Here, torkey, torkey.
He leads the Beverly Plume into the kitchen.
Beverly Plume I say.
Swedish Chef Ooo, sweet torkey. Nice... (kisses Beverly Plume repeatedly) torkey. Oookay! We roost the torkey.
Beverly Plume Did you wish talk to me about something?
The Swedish Chef grabs his meat cleaver and inspects the tip, pricking his finger.
Beverly Plume What?!
Swedish Chef Okay, torkey. Here go. (positions Beverly Plume)
As he prepares to carve Beverly Plume.
Beverly Plume Kermit, somebody, anybody... HEEEEELP!
Big Bird shows up.
Big Bird Wait, wait, wait.
Swedish Chef Oh! (mock Swedish) … Big Bird.
Big Bird What are you doing?
Swedish Chef realize when he sees Beverly Plume.
Swedish Chef (saying something like "Let me explain." in mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef, Beverly Plume and Big Bird start arguing. Big Bird turn and his tail feather knocks over Swedish Chef. Big Bird then looks down at him.
Big Bird Um, Mr. Cook, sir?
Backstage
Oscar is boring in his trash can.
Roosevelt Franklin pass through from the stage.
Roosevelt Franklin Yo, yo, yo, what up, what up, what up, Roosevelt Franklin is in the house. (exits)
Oscar Huh. Christmas the time of cheerfulness and gift giving. YUCK! This is terrible!
Rizzo pass through from the stage.
Rizzo Hey!
Oscar Say, your a rat.
Rizzo Of course what you think I am a mouse.
Oscar and Rizzo chucking.
Rizzo What going on here?
Oscar What does look like I'm doing.
Rizzo OK mr. smarty pants What are doing?
Oscar Well, if you must known it Christmas.
Rizzo Yeah so?
Oscar I'm a Grouch I don't do any that happy stuffs.
Rizzo Oh.
Oscar the Grouch scowls.
Rizzo Oh un by away, made I dig in your trash can?
Oscar What for?
Rizzo I'm a rat I dig in trash for grubs.
Oscar So let me get this straight. You want to come in my trash can so you can digging for things to eat.
Rizzo That right.
Oscar I let you in on one condition. If can make a mess in my trash can.
Rizzo Deal.
Oscar Well what are you waiting for Christmas.
Rizzo It is Christmas.
Rizzo laugh.
Rizzo enters the trash can and start digging, making making mess.
Oscar Hey, this might so bad after all.
The Swedish Chef
The Swedish Chef, ready for his next cooking demonstration.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Gonger.
Gonger Hello.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) cookies.
Gonger Ooh.
Cookie Monster pop out.
Cookie Monster COOKIE!
Cookie Monster then start eating them.
Gonger No, no, no Cookie Monster!
Animal enters.
Animal That my kind of fella.
Animal join Cooike Monster.
Waldrof This remind me my Uncle Frank.
Statler Oh, he cook like this?
Waldrof no, he look like this.
They chuckle.
Backstage
Kermit What next on the script um?
Prairie Dawn approaches him.
Prairie Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, hi there, Prairie.
Prairie Say, listen, can we do the Sesame Street Christmas Pageant on the show?
Kermit Sure Prairie.
Prairie Oh, boy! Look, the way I see it …
Kermit Mm-hm?
Prairie … the curtain opens
Kermit Mm-hm.
Kermit You know Prairie Dawn?
Prairie Yeah?
Kermit I'm so s you know so much about this. Doing the show.
Prairie Oh, well you known I have put on hundreds and hundreds of pageants on Sesame Street.
Kermit Oh, sure you have.
Prairie Yeah. You see them right?
Kermit Why of course I'v been there before.
Prairie The food, the season all sort of. And I make all the costumes.
Kermit Yeah, that fabulous quite talented.
Prairie Thank you, I do the writing.
Kermit So are you ready?
Prairie Yes! OK guys.
Prairie exits as Bert, Erinie, Cookie Monster, Grover and Herry Monster follow.
Sesame Street Pageant
Behind the closed curtain, the Sesame Street gang rehearse for the pageant.
Bert Hey what part do I play in the Christmas pageant Ernie?
Ernie It's the lead Bert.
Bert (gasp) The lead.
Ernie You're going to be the star of the whole play.
Bert Oh me!...what's the part Ernie?
Ernie We took a vote and everybody voted for you Bert how about that.
Bert Yeah how about that. Well who do I play?
Ernie Bert we said who could play this part better than anybody.
Bert Yeah.
Ernie And who got every single vote.
Bert Yeah!
Ernie Old buddy Bert that who.
Bert Me?!
Ernie We said old Bert the only one who can play this part.
Bert Oh wow! w-w-what I play? A Santa Claus, no an angel, the spirit of Christmas past right. What Who, who, who, who?!
Ernie A tree.
Bert I knew it.
Ernie You just stand here and hold your arms out sort of tree like hold out arms there Bert.
Bert I knew it.
Ernie Oh that good mm-hmm. Now don't move Bert keep your arms up and try to think like a tree.
Bert Ernie.
Ernie shushes him.
Ernie (whispering) Bert.
Ernie OK Prairie.
Prairie Dawn OK.
Ernie OK Beauregard open the curtain.
Ernie Hold still now Bert.
Rowlf start playing the music as the curtain open on Prairie Dawn in a snowy forest setting..
Prairie Oh welcome, oh welcome to our little play, play. We're so very glad that you joined us today. To celebrate Christmas we must find a tree. So come to the forest with Herry and me.
Enter Herry Monster.
Herry Here we are! Prairie and Herry marching through the forest looking for Christmas tree march, march, march, look, look!
Prairie Oh see we have found one so straight and so tall. Will take it and set it right in our front hall. It green and it lobely why nothing it last. Why it perfect dear Herry so get out your ax.
Bert Hold it! Stay away me Herry.
Herry Oh don't worry Bert I don't have an ax anyway. I'll pull you out by the roots.
Herry pull Bert out and carry him.
Bert Come on Herry put me down.
Herry shushes him.
Herry I gotta carry you home it all part of the play.
Transition to the a rustic home.
Herry Our friends see the tree now they like it alot!
Ernie Oooo, look it that.
Prairie It so beautiful.
Ernie Now that is what I call a Christmas tree. See how it come to nice point on top.
Bert (whisper) Ernie.
Ernie shushes him.
Ernie (whisper) Bert tree don't talk
Bert (whisper) Alright, alright.
Herry Our friends see a tree now they like it alot! I take it and stuff it in a flowr pot!
Herry then put Bert on a flower pot full of dirts.
Bert Herry!
Herry Then pack in some dirt!
Bert Herry what are you doing?
Herry Gotta put a tree in dirt Bert or it will die.
Bert But Herry.
Herry That why I pulled you out by the roots Bert. So I could transplant.
Bert (whisper) Alright, alright but hurry my arms are getting tired.
Herry (whisper) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Herry Then pack in some dirt! And pour on some water!
He displays a container and pour water on the flower pot.
Bert AAH!
Herry Gotta water a tree Bert.
Bert Yeah, but it cold there mud in my saddle shoes!
Herry shushes him.
Herry Then pour on some water and plant a Christmas tree just like I !
Applause.
Prairie (whisper) Psst! Grover!
Grover Oh, hi Prairie.
Prairie (whisper) It your turn!
Grover Ooh, ooh, ooh! (dashes on to the stage with a box of Christmas decorations)
Grover cough.
Grover And these decorations we hang on the tree. Make it cute and dorable, not unlike me.
Grover giggle.
Grover I throw on the tinsels it glitter and it glow. It hang from each branch not the mention Bert's nose. (as he putting the tinsels on Bert)
Grover giggle.
Bert Quit it!
Prairie (whisper) Cookie now you Cookie!
Cookie Monster peer into the stage.
Cookie Monster Now? Oh. (enters on the to stage)
Prairie (sigh) Huh.
Cookie Monster Me hanging up candy cane. We gotta hold banch. One for tree. One for me. (as he putting the candy canes on Bert)
Cookie Monster Then me save one for lunch!
Cookie Monster then eat a candy cane.
Ernie enters.
Ernie Then we add Christmas balls all shiny and bright. (as he putting the Christmas ball ornaments on Bert)
Ernie And long strings of popcorn.
Cookie Monster (whisper) Ernie me eat them last night.
Ernie (whisper) Cookie.
Cookie Monster (whisper) Sorry.
Bert (whisper) Ernie my arms.
Ernie shushes him.
Ernie (whisper) Bert.
Bert O.
Ernie (whisper) This is almost the end of the play.
Ernie cough.
Ernie Next to last, come the lights. Round, around and around. From the tippy tip top right on down to the ground. A hundred bright lights color bright green and red. (as he putting the Christmas lights on Bert)
Ernie And last come the star right on Bert's pointy head. (as he putting the Christmas star on Bert's head)
Bert (sigh) Oh Ernie.
Prairie Our tree is all finished and so is our play. Just one more detail.
Bert My arms feel like clay.
Prairie Dawn shushes him.
Prairie (whisper) Bert.
Prairie Turn out all the lights. The as still can be.
The lights go out.
Prairie Now is dark, now is quiet, now turn on our tree.
The Christmas lights on Bert taken an incredible glow.
Ernie, Prairie Dawn, Cookie Monster, Grover and Herry Monster look at the Christmas lights.
Applause.
Prairie Your the strongest, most handsome Christmas tree I ever saw.
Prairie Dawn kisses Bert.
Bert Aww.
Bert (bleating laugh) Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!
Grover Close the curtain!
Ernie Hey Bert you were wonderful.
Applause.
The curtain closes.
Fozzie's Comedy Act
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, up next is our furry funny man, Mr. Fozzie Bear! Yay!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! What are Santa's three favorite gardening tools, okay? Hoe, hoe and hoe!
He gets no applause or laughter.
Statler You know Fozzie there nothing like a good joke to brighten up a day.
Waldrof Yeah. And that was nothing like a good joke.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Oh, come on you guys give me a break.
Waldrof Bear you got a great career in front of you.
Statler Yeah. And a giant snake behind you.
Fozzie (scare) A snake!
Statler Make you look.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Uh, listen, guys, I'm tired of all this criticism.
Statler Well your known what that say.
Waldrof If you can't stand the heat.
Statler & Waldrof Get out of the theater!
They chuckle.
Fozzie walks out of the stage, feeling embarrassed.
UK Spot - Veterinarian's Hospital / Beat the Time
Announcer And now, it time once again for, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?
Janice Well, see for yourself, Dr. Bob.
They uncover Butch on the operating table and react in shock.
Rowlf It's a tiger! I hope he dosen't eat us.
Miss Piggy Why not?
Rowlf We didn't set up dinner.
They all laugh.
Butch Oh, my tooth. (He place a hand to the side of his cheek.)
Miss Piggy It seem the patient got a toothache.
Janice Look at this, the patient also is in a prisoner suit. I wonder why they arrested him?
Rowlf My guess a purr-fect!
They all laugh.
Janice What is the fiercest flower.
Rowlf What?
Janice A tiger lily.
They all laugh.
Butch moans and groans.
Rowlf Hold That Tiger!
The medics leap on the table and silence him.
Miss Piggy Do you think the patient is settle?
Rowlf Of course.
Miss Piggy Ok, but I'm keeping my eye on him.
Rowlf That remind me a song.
Janice What?
Rowlf Eye of the Tiger.
They all laugh.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear the tiger say …
Butch Can somebody do something about my tooth!
Miss Piggy Oh, the patient is in pain. I hop he alright?
Rowlf Are you kidding he look teeriffic.
They all laugh.
As the tempo increases, the tiger starts chasing them away.
Transition to Beat the Time scene.
Announcer And now, it time for everybody favorite wacky stunt show BEAT THE TIME!
(cuckooing) (applauding)
Announcer And here's your host, Guy Smiley!
Applause.
Guy Smiley Thank you, thank you, thank you, everybody! Thank you, yes! Thank you, welcome to Beat the Time, the fun, fun game where everybody has lots of fun! And now, let's today's contestant, Gonzo the Great! Come out here!
Gonzo Thank you, thank you. (enters)
Gonzo Hi Guy!
Guy Smiley Are you ready to play the game?
Gonzo Yes!
Guy Smiley OK! And now let me tell your wacky stunt will be!
Gonzo Yeah!
Guy Smiley You got to bring me three things! Yes, three things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo Gotcha.
Guy Smiley But you only have one minute! On your mark...get set...go!
Gonzo dashes off-stage.
Guy Smiley Can he do it? Gonzo got a minute to find three things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo run onstage with a star.
Gonzo Ta-da!
(applauding) (dramatic fanfare)
Guy Smiley Wonderful, wonderful Gonzo! That's one thing that symbols of Christmas! Now you got find two more!
Gonzo dashes off-stage.
Guy Smiley Gonzo gotta find two more things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo run onstage with a candy cane.
Gonzo Ta-da!
(applauding) (dramatic fanfare)
Guy Smiley That's Wonderful, Gonzo! That's things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo I go find one more.
Gonzo dashes off-stage.
Guy Smiley One more thing you've gotta find. Gonzo only has a few seconds left! Can he do it in time?
Gonzo run onstage with a Christmas tree.
Gonzo Ta-da!
(dramatic fanfare)
Guy Smiley You did our impossible stunt! And now, you can have anthing you want intire world. So what will be a trip Florida? A new wash and dryer? A million dollars? Whaht do you want?
Gonzo I want...a Chinese gorilla dancing ballet!
The Chinese gorilla eagerly embraces him.
Guy Smiley I'm Guy Smiley saying join us next time on Beat the Time.
Talk spot
Big Bird, Bert, Ernie, Cookie Monster, Grover and Count von Count is at the dressing room with Kermit.
Kermit Hey thank you so must for you gang being on the show tonight.
Big Bird Oh well we're so glad being here. But you know, being here remember me of first time I being on The Muppet Show.
Kermit (remembering) Mmmm, yeah, I remember. That the time with Leslie Uggams.
They turns their attention to a clip of episode 318: Leslie Uggams.
Count That one, one of memory!
Ernie Mmmm, yeah, but you know me and my old buddy Bert for we been on The Muppet Show twice.
Big Bird Really?
Ernie Yep.
Bert Oh, yeah, your right, he not right, he right this time.
Bert and Ernie turns their attention to a clip of episode 102: Connie Stevens.
Count That two, two of memory!
Big Bird But wait a minute Ernie. You said you and Bert been on The Muppet Show twice. What the second one?
Kermit I think I known?
Kermit turns their attention to a clip of episode 518: Marty Feldman.
Count That three, three of memory!
Kermit You know, I remember one time Lena Horne have been on The Muppet Show.
Count That four, four of memory!
Count (staccato laughter) Ah, ah, ah! [a crash of thunder and a flash of lightning.]
Kermit Lena Horne told me her one of my favorite songs. Why don't we sing it.
Kermit plays and the Sesame Street Muppets perform "Sing".
Blackout
Lew Zealand is throwing a boomerang fish, until Wolfgang the Seal approaches him.
Lew Zealand Hello There.
Wolfgang Bark, bark.
Wolfgang behaves like a dog wanting to play. Lew raises the boomerang fish then lowers the boomerang fish as the Wofgang's eyes follow where the boomerang fish is.
Lew Zealand You like my boomerang fish do you.
Wolfgang Bark, bark, bark.
Lew Zealand Say, wait what play fetch?
Wolfgang barking crazy.
Lew Zealand OK go get it! (throws boomerang fish)
Wolfgang worm chases after boomerang fish.
Wolfgang return with no boomerang fish.
Lew Zealand Hey the fish?
Wolfgang burp.
Lew Zealand Oh, no! (covers his eyes.)
Mumford's magic act
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay! And now, it's time for magic, our own, The Amazing Mumford! YAAAY!
The curtain opens on Mumford, with his magic hat on a table.
Mumford Greetings, I The Amazing Mumford will do a magic trick. "A la peanut butter sandwiches!"
POOF! His rabbit appears and runs off.
Mumford Rabbit come back here.
He is yanked offstage by a cane.
Backstage / Zoot and Hoots
Mumford through from the stage.
Kermit Well so much for that.
Zoot and Hoots the Owl approaches him.
Hoots Yo Kermit. My men frog.
Zoot Hi Kermit.
Kermit Oh, hey.
Hoots Listen frog, we wonder if it cool can me and Zoot .
Kermit Um, well?
Scooter (passing by) Hey, boss? The audience are getting ugly.
Kermit OK, you take into it! (dashes off)
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, , Yaaay!
Zoot and Hoots plays "Just Friends".
Carol medley
The casts of The Muppets and Sesame Street gang are gather in .
Kermit You known something guys.
Robin What that Uncle Kermit?
Kermit I'm been thinking. This Christmas didn't go the way I plan. I didn't getting a Christmas I really wanted. But, I ended up having a great time after all.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie.
Kermit Well, everybody, it's Christmas Eve, and the tree is trimmed. So it's time for our annual carol sing. Take it, Rowlf.
Rowlf start playing the music.
All Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight!
Oh, Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
The entire Muppet family sing "Joy to the World (Watts)".
All Joy to the world the Lord has come
Let Earth receive her King
And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven and Heaven and nature sing
Floyd and Janice sing "Winter Wonderland".
Floyd Over the ground lies a mantle of white
Floyd A heaven of diamonds shine down through the night
Floyd Two hearts are thrilling, in spite of the chill in the weather
Janice Love knows no season, love knows no clime
Janice Romance can blossom any old time
Janice Here in the open, we're walking and hoping together
Floyd Sleigh bells ring are you listening
Janice Sleigh bells ring are you listening
Floyd In the lane snow is glistening
Janice In the lane snow is glistening
Floyd & Janice A beautiful sight we're happy tonight
Floyd & Janice Walking in a winter wonderland
Count sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
Count On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Twelve Drummers Drumming
Count Eleven Pipers Piping
Count Ten Lords-a-Leaping
Count Nine Ladies Dancing
Count Eight Maids-a-Milking
Count Seven Swans-a-Swimming
Count Six Geese-a-Laying
Count Five Golden Rings
Count Four Calling Birds
Count Three French Hens
Count Two Turtle Doves
Count And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
Count That twelfth of days of Christmas!
Count (staccato laughter) Ah, ah, ah!
Snuffy sing "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".
Snuffy I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Snuffy Only a hippopotamus will do
Snuffy Don't want a doll, no dinky tinker toy
Snuffy I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy
Snuffy I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Snuffy I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
Piggy sing " It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".
Miss Piggy It's the most wonderful time of the year
Miss Piggy With the kids jingle-belling
Miss Piggy And everyone telling you
Miss Piggy Be of good cheer
Miss Piggy It's the most wonderful time of the year
Wayne and Wanda sing "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!".
Wanda Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But the fire is so delightful.
Wayne But if you've no place to go,
Wayne & Wanda Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Kermit and Fozzie sing "Sleigh Ride".
Kermit Just hear those sleigh bells
Kermit Jingling ring ting tingling too
Kermit Come on it's lovely weather
Fozzie For a sleigh ride together with you
Fozzie Outside the snow is falling
Fozzie And friends are calling yoo hoo
Kermit & Fozzie Come on it's lovely weather
Kermit & Fozzie For a sleigh ride together with you
Piggy, sing "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" with Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf.
Miss Piggy You better watch out you better not cry
Miss Piggy You better not pout I'm telling you why
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf Santa Claus is coming to town
Fozzie He's making a list and checking it twice
Fozzie He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf Santa Claus is coming to town
Rowlf He sees you when you're sleeping
Rowlf He knows when you're awake
Gonzo He knows that you've been bad or good
Gonzo So be good for goodness sake
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf You better watch out you better not cry
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf You better not pout I'm telling you why
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf Santa Claus is coming to town
Rosita and Pepe sing "Feliz Navidad".
Rosita Feliz Navidad
Rosita Feliz Navidad
Rosita Feliz Navidad
Rosita Prospero año y felicidad.
Pepe Feliz Navidad
Pepe Feliz Navidad
Pepe Feliz Navidad
Pepe Prospero año y felicidad.
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe From the bottom of my heart.
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe From the bottom of my heart.
Robin sings "When the River Meets the Sea".
Robin When the mountain touches the valley
All the clouds are taught to fly
Thus our souls will leave this land most peacefully
Robin Though our minds be filled with questions
In our hearts, we'll understand
When the river meets
Robin Like a flower that has blossomed
In dry and barren sand
We are born and born again most gracefully
Robin Plus the winds of time will take us
With a sure and steady hand
When the river meets the sea.
The entire Muppet family sing "Keep Christmas with You (All Through the Year)".
All Keep Christmas with you all through the year.
When Christmas is over, you can keep it near.
Think of this Christmas Day
When Christmas is far away.
Keep Christmas with you all through the year.
When Christmas is over, same some Christmas cheer.
These precious moments hold them very dear.
And keep Christmas with you all through the year.
Christmas means the spirit of giving
Peace and joy to you.
The goodness of loving, the gladness of living.
So seep Christmas with you all through the year.
When Christmas is over, same some Christmas cheer.
These precious moments hold them very dear.
And keep Christmas with you all through the year.
Yes, keep Christmas with you all through the year.
Applause.
Goodnights
Kermit Well, it — it's been such a great show, that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it. And we all know who we have to thank for that. And so, thank you from all of us, the cast of Sesame Street!
Applause.
Big Bird Thank you Kermit. We have fun.
Telly Monster Yeah, yeah, but we never got to see Santa.
Santa Claus enters.
Santa Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Kermit Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
All the Muppets sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," over the credits
Cold open
The Muppets are preparing to leave.
Kermit OK, OK great job everybody. Well we all set. Now were ready to head home.
Miss Piggy Oh Kermie, it this wonderful you and me celebrate Christmas.
Miss Piggy then cuddling with Kermit.
Kermit (groans) Oh, good grief.
Scooter Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Yes, Scooter?
Scooter We're all ready.
Kermit OK guys let start head out.
As Kermit open the stage door, snow came out from the door him.
Kermit It a blizzard out there.
The Muppets watching the news on TV.
Newman Here is a Muppet News Flash. The snows continues to falls. All schools, all stores and all roads will be closed until further notice. In other words we're snowed in.
PLOP! It snows on him.
Kermit Oh, no!
Miss Piggy (scream in anger) What!
Walter Christmas is ruined.
Fozzie What going to do?
Gonzo I'm sure will think of something.
Kermit I thought of something. We can have our own Christmas party right here.
Fozzie approaches him.
Fozzie Kermit! We don't have any one for guest star.
Janice Bumper!
Caroling Music.
Floyd Do you hear something?
The Muppets began hearing singing, gradually listening.
Kermit It coming from outside.
Kermit goes down the stairs and out the stage door.
Outside, the cast of Sesame Street sing as they approach.
♪♪ Sesame Street Muppets Here we come a-caroling among the leaves so green. Here we come a-wandering so fair to be seen. Love and joy come to you. And to you glad tidings too. And God bless you and send you a happy new year. And God send you a happy new year. ♪♪
Kermit It's the Sesame Street gang!
Big Bird Merry Christmas from Sesame Street!
Sesame Street Gang Merry Christmas!
♪♪ Big Bird Deck the halls with boughs of holly. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Cookie Monster 'Tis the season to be jolly. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Grover Don we now our gay apparel. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Gladys the Cow Troll the ancient yuletide carol.♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪
Bert Okay, Ernie, you're next.
♪♪ Ernie See the blazing yule before us. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪
♪♪ Bert Strike the harp and join the chorus. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪♪
Oscar the Grouch I will not sing this song.
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Count von Count While I count the yuletide treasure. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Big Bird Your turn, Herry Monster.
♪♪ Herry Monster That's the way the old year passes ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Guy Smiley Build anew ye lads and lasses. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪♪
♪♪ Ernie & Bert Sing ye joyous all together. ♪♪
♪♪ Sesame Street Gang Fa la la la la la la la la, Deck the halls with boughs of holly, 'Tis the season to be jolly. fa la la la la la laaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaa ♪♪
Kermit What you doing here?
Oscar Funny, I was about ask you the same thing and sarcasm.
Oscar (dirty laugh) Heh heh heh!
Sesame Street Muppets Oscar!
Kermit Well I'm for Christmas with all the guys. What going on?
Big Bird We were under our way home from Christmas caroling, but we got a little lost.
Kermit By walking. Your never make it in this weather. Hey, wait why you gang come in join our party.
Big Bird Really?
Kermit Sure, we like to.
Elmo Elmo like party.
Kermit Oh good! Hay guys!
The Sesame Street Muppets, join the festivities.
Theme
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest stars, the cast of Sesame Street! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus It's time to put on makeup, It's time to dress up right, It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Waldorf Why do we always come here?
Statler I guess we'll never know.
Waldorf It's like some kind of torture
Waldorf and Statler To have to watch the show!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks? Santa Jaws! Aaaaah! Wocka wocka!
A shark wearing a Santa hat, scaring him off the stage. The curtain closes.
Kermit To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — the cast of Sesame Street.
The cast of Sesame Street in the stage.
Boys and Girls And now let's get things started!
Audience Why don't you get things started?
Oscar appears in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler You're looking a little grounchy!
Oscar the Grouch scowls.
Kermit It's time to get things started
Kermit and the Muppets On the most sensational, inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational...This is what we call The Muppet Show!
Glitters spray out of Gonzo's trumpet and fall down like a snow globe.
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi ho, hi ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, and a very special show we have for you tonight. But uh, but first I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show. Uh, you see, our reagular scheduled to be home for the hoilday, but due the bad weather. So we decides to celebrate Christmas here. Yes.
Enter Forgetful Jones.
Kermit Forgetful what are you doing?
Forgetful Jones Why I'm going the opening number with the all gang.
Kermit Uh, not yet, Forgetful Jones. After I introduces.
Forgetful Jones Oh. I'll forgot.
Kermit Out, out, out!
Forgetful Jones exits.
Kermit Sorry about that. Anyhow, with guest stars tonight are friends of mine. And here they are now, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Sesame Street! YAAAAYY!
The curtains open, revealing the Sesame Street gang.
Sesame Street Gang Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street
Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street
It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful
Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...
How to get to Sesame Street
How to get to...
Sesame Street!
Applause.
Statler We how to get to Sesame Street.
Waldorf We don’t know how to out this theater?
They chuckle.
Backstage
The backstage is decorating for Christmas.
The Sesame Street gang through from the stage.
Kermit Okay, let's see...next we have, uh...
Grover HEY FROGGY!!!
Kermit Oh no.
Grover rushes up to Kermit and gives him a hard slap on the back. Kermit slinks down.
Grover Hello there it is I your pal Grover here. What are you doing?
Kermit Well Grover if you really must know I'm
Grover Oh can't I help?
Kermit Uh, no.
Grover Oh please, please, please.
Kermit Must you?
Grover Yes.
Kermit OK Grover. You help by...by...?
Mr. Johnson past by.
Kermit By helping that guy.
Grover OK froggy what ever you say.
He approaches Mr. Johnson.
Grover Hello Sir!
Mr. Johnson (screaming) Oh, no. No, no!
Mr. Johnson runs out, panicking.
Grover Wait sir I didn't even get a chance to help you! (exits)
Kermit Well, that was something.
The Swedish Chef
In the kitchen, the Swedish Chef sings his theme tune, then tosses two wooded spoons behind him.
Swedish Chef Excusie. (mock Swedish) roost torkey. Here we get da torkey. Here, torkey, torkey.
He leads the Beverly Plume into the kitchen.
Beverly Plume I say.
Swedish Chef Ooo, sweet torkey. Nice... (kisses Beverly Plume repeatedly) torkey. Oookay! We roost the torkey.
Beverly Plume Did you wish talk to me about something?
The Swedish Chef grabs his meat cleaver and inspects the tip, pricking his finger.
Beverly Plume What?!
Swedish Chef Okay, torkey. Here go. (positions Beverly Plume)
As he prepares to carve Beverly Plume.
Beverly Plume Kermit, somebody, anybody... HEEEEELP!
Big Bird shows up.
Big Bird Wait, wait, wait.
Swedish Chef Oh! (mock Swedish) … Big Bird.
Big Bird What are you doing?
Swedish Chef realize when he sees Beverly Plume.
Swedish Chef (saying something like "Let me explain." in mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef, Beverly Plume and Big Bird start arguing. Big Bird turn and his tail feather knocks over Swedish Chef. Big Bird then looks down at him.
Big Bird Um, Mr. Cook, sir?
Backstage
Oscar is boring in his trash can.
Roosevelt Franklin pass through from the stage.
Roosevelt Franklin Yo, yo, yo, what up, what up, what up, Roosevelt Franklin is in the house. (exits)
Oscar Huh. Christmas the time of cheerfulness and gift giving. YUCK! This is terrible!
Rizzo pass through from the stage.
Rizzo Hey!
Oscar Say, your a rat.
Rizzo Of course what you think I am a mouse.
Oscar and Rizzo chucking.
Rizzo What going on here?
Oscar What does look like I'm doing.
Rizzo OK mr. smarty pants What are doing?
Oscar Well, if you must known it Christmas.
Rizzo Yeah so?
Oscar I'm a Grouch I don't do any that happy stuffs.
Rizzo Oh.
Oscar the Grouch scowls.
Rizzo Oh un by away, made I dig in your trash can?
Oscar What for?
Rizzo I'm a rat I dig in trash for grubs.
Oscar So let me get this straight. You want to come in my trash can so you can digging for things to eat.
Rizzo That right.
Oscar I let you in on one condition. If can make a mess in my trash can.
Rizzo Deal.
Oscar Well what are you waiting for Christmas.
Rizzo It is Christmas.
Rizzo laugh.
Rizzo enters the trash can and start digging, making making mess.
Oscar Hey, this might so bad after all.
The Swedish Chef
The Swedish Chef, ready for his next cooking demonstration.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Gonger.
Gonger Hello.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) cookies.
Gonger Ooh.
Cookie Monster pop out.
Cookie Monster COOKIE!
Cookie Monster then start eating them.
Gonger No, no, no Cookie Monster!
Animal enters.
Animal That my kind of fella.
Animal join Cooike Monster.
Waldrof This remind me my Uncle Frank.
Statler Oh, he cook like this?
Waldrof no, he look like this.
They chuckle.
Backstage
Kermit What next on the script um?
Prairie Dawn approaches him.
Prairie Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, hi there, Prairie.
Prairie Say, listen, can we do the Sesame Street Christmas Pageant on the show?
Kermit Sure Prairie.
Prairie Oh, boy! Look, the way I see it …
Kermit Mm-hm?
Prairie … the curtain opens
Kermit Mm-hm.
Kermit You know Prairie Dawn?
Prairie Yeah?
Kermit I'm so s you know so much about this. Doing the show.
Prairie Oh, well you known I have put on hundreds and hundreds of pageants on Sesame Street.
Kermit Oh, sure you have.
Prairie Yeah. You see them right?
Kermit Why of course I'v been there before.
Prairie The food, the season all sort of. And I make all the costumes.
Kermit Yeah, that fabulous quite talented.
Prairie Thank you, I do the writing.
Kermit So are you ready?
Prairie Yes! OK guys.
Prairie exits as Bert, Erinie, Cookie Monster, Grover and Herry Monster follow.
Sesame Street Pageant
Behind the closed curtain, the Sesame Street gang rehearse for the pageant.
Bert Hey what part do I play in the Christmas pageant Ernie?
Ernie It's the lead Bert.
Bert (gasp) The lead.
Ernie You're going to be the star of the whole play.
Bert Oh me!...what's the part Ernie?
Ernie We took a vote and everybody voted for you Bert how about that.
Bert Yeah how about that. Well who do I play?
Ernie Bert we said who could play this part better than anybody.
Bert Yeah.
Ernie And who got every single vote.
Bert Yeah!
Ernie Old buddy Bert that who.
Bert Me?!
Ernie We said old Bert the only one who can play this part.
Bert Oh wow! w-w-what I play? A Santa Claus, no an angel, the spirit of Christmas past right. What Who, who, who, who?!
Ernie A tree.
Bert I knew it.
Ernie You just stand here and hold your arms out sort of tree like hold out arms there Bert.
Bert I knew it.
Ernie Oh that good mm-hmm. Now don't move Bert keep your arms up and try to think like a tree.
Bert Ernie.
Ernie shushes him.
Ernie (whispering) Bert.
Ernie OK Prairie.
Prairie Dawn OK.
Ernie OK Beauregard open the curtain.
Ernie Hold still now Bert.
Rowlf start playing the music as the curtain open on Prairie Dawn in a snowy forest setting..
Prairie Oh welcome, oh welcome to our little play, play. We're so very glad that you joined us today. To celebrate Christmas we must find a tree. So come to the forest with Herry and me.
Enter Herry Monster.
Herry Here we are! Prairie and Herry marching through the forest looking for Christmas tree march, march, march, look, look!
Prairie Oh see we have found one so straight and so tall. Will take it and set it right in our front hall. It green and it lobely why nothing it last. Why it perfect dear Herry so get out your ax.
Bert Hold it! Stay away me Herry.
Herry Oh don't worry Bert I don't have an ax anyway. I'll pull you out by the roots.
Herry pull Bert out and carry him.
Bert Come on Herry put me down.
Herry shushes him.
Herry I gotta carry you home it all part of the play.
Transition to the a rustic home.
Herry Our friends see the tree now they like it alot!
Ernie Oooo, look it that.
Prairie It so beautiful.
Ernie Now that is what I call a Christmas tree. See how it come to nice point on top.
Bert (whisper) Ernie.
Ernie shushes him.
Ernie (whisper) Bert tree don't talk
Bert (whisper) Alright, alright.
Herry Our friends see a tree now they like it alot! I take it and stuff it in a flowr pot!
Herry then put Bert on a flower pot full of dirts.
Bert Herry!
Herry Then pack in some dirt!
Bert Herry what are you doing?
Herry Gotta put a tree in dirt Bert or it will die.
Bert But Herry.
Herry That why I pulled you out by the roots Bert. So I could transplant.
Bert (whisper) Alright, alright but hurry my arms are getting tired.
Herry (whisper) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Herry Then pack in some dirt! And pour on some water!
He displays a container and pour water on the flower pot.
Bert AAH!
Herry Gotta water a tree Bert.
Bert Yeah, but it cold there mud in my saddle shoes!
Herry shushes him.
Herry Then pour on some water and plant a Christmas tree just like I !
Applause.
Prairie (whisper) Psst! Grover!
Grover Oh, hi Prairie.
Prairie (whisper) It your turn!
Grover Ooh, ooh, ooh! (dashes on to the stage with a box of Christmas decorations)
Grover cough.
Grover And these decorations we hang on the tree. Make it cute and dorable, not unlike me.
Grover giggle.
Grover I throw on the tinsels it glitter and it glow. It hang from each branch not the mention Bert's nose. (as he putting the tinsels on Bert)
Grover giggle.
Bert Quit it!
Prairie (whisper) Cookie now you Cookie!
Cookie Monster peer into the stage.
Cookie Monster Now? Oh. (enters on the to stage)
Prairie (sigh) Huh.
Cookie Monster Me hanging up candy cane. We gotta hold banch. One for tree. One for me. (as he putting the candy canes on Bert)
Cookie Monster Then me save one for lunch!
Cookie Monster then eat a candy cane.
Ernie enters.
Ernie Then we add Christmas balls all shiny and bright. (as he putting the Christmas ball ornaments on Bert)
Ernie And long strings of popcorn.
Cookie Monster (whisper) Ernie me eat them last night.
Ernie (whisper) Cookie.
Cookie Monster (whisper) Sorry.
Bert (whisper) Ernie my arms.
Ernie shushes him.
Ernie (whisper) Bert.
Bert O.
Ernie (whisper) This is almost the end of the play.
Ernie cough.
Ernie Next to last, come the lights. Round, around and around. From the tippy tip top right on down to the ground. A hundred bright lights color bright green and red. (as he putting the Christmas lights on Bert)
Ernie And last come the star right on Bert's pointy head. (as he putting the Christmas star on Bert's head)
Bert (sigh) Oh Ernie.
Prairie Our tree is all finished and so is our play. Just one more detail.
Bert My arms feel like clay.
Prairie Dawn shushes him.
Prairie (whisper) Bert.
Prairie Turn out all the lights. The as still can be.
The lights go out.
Prairie Now is dark, now is quiet, now turn on our tree.
The Christmas lights on Bert taken an incredible glow.
Ernie, Prairie Dawn, Cookie Monster, Grover and Herry Monster look at the Christmas lights.
Applause.
Prairie Your the strongest, most handsome Christmas tree I ever saw.
Prairie Dawn kisses Bert.
Bert Aww.
Bert (bleating laugh) Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!
Grover Close the curtain!
Ernie Hey Bert you were wonderful.
Applause.
The curtain closes.
Fozzie's Comedy Act
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, up next is our furry funny man, Mr. Fozzie Bear! Yay!
The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! What are Santa's three favorite gardening tools, okay? Hoe, hoe and hoe!
He gets no applause or laughter.
Statler You know Fozzie there nothing like a good joke to brighten up a day.
Waldrof Yeah. And that was nothing like a good joke.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Oh, come on you guys give me a break.
Waldrof Bear you got a great career in front of you.
Statler Yeah. And a giant snake behind you.
Fozzie (scare) A snake!
Statler Make you look.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Uh, listen, guys, I'm tired of all this criticism.
Statler Well your known what that say.
Waldrof If you can't stand the heat.
Statler & Waldrof Get out of the theater!
They chuckle.
Fozzie walks out of the stage, feeling embarrassed.
UK Spot - Veterinarian's Hospital / Beat the Time
Announcer And now, it time once again for, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?
Janice Well, see for yourself, Dr. Bob.
They uncover Butch on the operating table and react in shock.
Rowlf It's a tiger! I hope he dosen't eat us.
Miss Piggy Why not?
Rowlf We didn't set up dinner.
They all laugh.
Butch Oh, my tooth. (He place a hand to the side of his cheek.)
Miss Piggy It seem the patient got a toothache.
Janice Look at this, the patient also is in a prisoner suit. I wonder why they arrested him?
Rowlf My guess a purr-fect!
They all laugh.
Janice What is the fiercest flower.
Rowlf What?
Janice A tiger lily.
They all laugh.
Butch moans and groans.
Rowlf Hold That Tiger!
The medics leap on the table and silence him.
Miss Piggy Do you think the patient is settle?
Rowlf Of course.
Miss Piggy Ok, but I'm keeping my eye on him.
Rowlf That remind me a song.
Janice What?
Rowlf Eye of the Tiger.
They all laugh.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear the tiger say …
Butch Can somebody do something about my tooth!
Miss Piggy Oh, the patient is in pain. I hop he alright?
Rowlf Are you kidding he look teeriffic.
They all laugh.
As the tempo increases, the tiger starts chasing them away.
Transition to Beat the Time scene.
Announcer And now, it time for everybody favorite wacky stunt show BEAT THE TIME!
(cuckooing) (applauding)
Announcer And here's your host, Guy Smiley!
Applause.
Guy Smiley Thank you, thank you, thank you, everybody! Thank you, yes! Thank you, welcome to Beat the Time, the fun, fun game where everybody has lots of fun! And now, let's today's contestant, Gonzo the Great! Come out here!
Gonzo Thank you, thank you. (enters)
Gonzo Hi Guy!
Guy Smiley Are you ready to play the game?
Gonzo Yes!
Guy Smiley OK! And now let me tell your wacky stunt will be!
Gonzo Yeah!
Guy Smiley You got to bring me three things! Yes, three things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo Gotcha.
Guy Smiley But you only have one minute! On your mark...get set...go!
Gonzo dashes off-stage.
Guy Smiley Can he do it? Gonzo got a minute to find three things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo run onstage with a star.
Gonzo Ta-da!
(applauding) (dramatic fanfare)
Guy Smiley Wonderful, wonderful Gonzo! That's one thing that symbols of Christmas! Now you got find two more!
Gonzo dashes off-stage.
Guy Smiley Gonzo gotta find two more things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo run onstage with a candy cane.
Gonzo Ta-da!
(applauding) (dramatic fanfare)
Guy Smiley That's Wonderful, Gonzo! That's things that symbols of Christmas!
Gonzo I go find one more.
Gonzo dashes off-stage.
Guy Smiley One more thing you've gotta find. Gonzo only has a few seconds left! Can he do it in time?
Gonzo run onstage with a Christmas tree.
Gonzo Ta-da!
(dramatic fanfare)
Guy Smiley You did our impossible stunt! And now, you can have anthing you want intire world. So what will be a trip Florida? A new wash and dryer? A million dollars? Whaht do you want?
Gonzo I want...a Chinese gorilla dancing ballet!
The Chinese gorilla eagerly embraces him.
Guy Smiley I'm Guy Smiley saying join us next time on Beat the Time.
Talk spot
Big Bird, Bert, Ernie, Cookie Monster, Grover and Count von Count is at the dressing room with Kermit.
Kermit Hey thank you so must for you gang being on the show tonight.
Big Bird Oh well we're so glad being here. But you know, being here remember me of first time I being on The Muppet Show.
Kermit (remembering) Mmmm, yeah, I remember. That the time with Leslie Uggams.
They turns their attention to a clip of episode 318: Leslie Uggams.
Count That one, one of memory!
Ernie Mmmm, yeah, but you know me and my old buddy Bert for we been on The Muppet Show twice.
Big Bird Really?
Ernie Yep.
Bert Oh, yeah, your right, he not right, he right this time.
Bert and Ernie turns their attention to a clip of episode 102: Connie Stevens.
Count That two, two of memory!
Big Bird But wait a minute Ernie. You said you and Bert been on The Muppet Show twice. What the second one?
Kermit I think I known?
Kermit turns their attention to a clip of episode 518: Marty Feldman.
Count That three, three of memory!
Kermit You know, I remember one time Lena Horne have been on The Muppet Show.
Count That four, four of memory!
Count (staccato laughter) Ah, ah, ah! [a crash of thunder and a flash of lightning.]
Kermit Lena Horne told me her one of my favorite songs. Why don't we sing it.
Kermit plays and the Sesame Street Muppets perform "Sing".
Blackout
Lew Zealand is throwing a boomerang fish, until Wolfgang the Seal approaches him.
Lew Zealand Hello There.
Wolfgang Bark, bark.
Wolfgang behaves like a dog wanting to play. Lew raises the boomerang fish then lowers the boomerang fish as the Wofgang's eyes follow where the boomerang fish is.
Lew Zealand You like my boomerang fish do you.
Wolfgang Bark, bark, bark.
Lew Zealand Say, wait what play fetch?
Wolfgang barking crazy.
Lew Zealand OK go get it! (throws boomerang fish)
Wolfgang worm chases after boomerang fish.
Wolfgang return with no boomerang fish.
Lew Zealand Hey the fish?
Wolfgang burp.
Lew Zealand Oh, no! (covers his eyes.)
Mumford's magic act
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay! And now, it's time for magic, our own, The Amazing Mumford! YAAAY!
The curtain opens on Mumford, with his magic hat on a table.
Mumford Greetings, I The Amazing Mumford will do a magic trick. "A la peanut butter sandwiches!"
POOF! His rabbit appears and runs off.
Mumford Rabbit come back here.
He is yanked offstage by a cane.
Backstage / Zoot and Hoots
Mumford through from the stage.
Kermit Well so much for that.
Zoot and Hoots the Owl approaches him.
Hoots Yo Kermit. My men frog.
Zoot Hi Kermit.
Kermit Oh, hey.
Hoots Listen frog, we wonder if it cool can me and Zoot .
Kermit Um, well?
Scooter (passing by) Hey, boss? The audience are getting ugly.
Kermit OK, you take into it! (dashes off)
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, , Yaaay!
Zoot and Hoots plays "Just Friends".
Carol medley
The casts of The Muppets and Sesame Street gang are gather in .
Kermit You known something guys.
Robin What that Uncle Kermit?
Kermit I'm been thinking. This Christmas didn't go the way I plan. I didn't getting a Christmas I really wanted. But, I ended up having a great time after all.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie.
Kermit Well, everybody, it's Christmas Eve, and the tree is trimmed. So it's time for our annual carol sing. Take it, Rowlf.
Rowlf start playing the music.
All Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight!
Oh, Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
The entire Muppet family sing "Joy to the World (Watts)".
All Joy to the world the Lord has come
Let Earth receive her King
And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven and Heaven and nature sing
Floyd and Janice sing "Winter Wonderland".
Floyd Over the ground lies a mantle of white
Floyd A heaven of diamonds shine down through the night
Floyd Two hearts are thrilling, in spite of the chill in the weather
Janice Love knows no season, love knows no clime
Janice Romance can blossom any old time
Janice Here in the open, we're walking and hoping together
Floyd Sleigh bells ring are you listening
Janice Sleigh bells ring are you listening
Floyd In the lane snow is glistening
Janice In the lane snow is glistening
Floyd & Janice A beautiful sight we're happy tonight
Floyd & Janice Walking in a winter wonderland
Count sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
Count On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Twelve Drummers Drumming
Count Eleven Pipers Piping
Count Ten Lords-a-Leaping
Count Nine Ladies Dancing
Count Eight Maids-a-Milking
Count Seven Swans-a-Swimming
Count Six Geese-a-Laying
Count Five Golden Rings
Count Four Calling Birds
Count Three French Hens
Count Two Turtle Doves
Count And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
Count That twelfth of days of Christmas!
Count (staccato laughter) Ah, ah, ah!
Snuffy sing "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".
Snuffy I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Snuffy Only a hippopotamus will do
Snuffy Don't want a doll, no dinky tinker toy
Snuffy I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy
Snuffy I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Snuffy I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
Piggy sing " It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year".
Miss Piggy It's the most wonderful time of the year
Miss Piggy With the kids jingle-belling
Miss Piggy And everyone telling you
Miss Piggy Be of good cheer
Miss Piggy It's the most wonderful time of the year
Wayne and Wanda sing "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!".
Wanda Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But the fire is so delightful.
Wayne But if you've no place to go,
Wayne & Wanda Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Kermit and Fozzie sing "Sleigh Ride".
Kermit Just hear those sleigh bells
Kermit Jingling ring ting tingling too
Kermit Come on it's lovely weather
Fozzie For a sleigh ride together with you
Fozzie Outside the snow is falling
Fozzie And friends are calling yoo hoo
Kermit & Fozzie Come on it's lovely weather
Kermit & Fozzie For a sleigh ride together with you
Piggy, sing "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" with Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf.
Miss Piggy You better watch out you better not cry
Miss Piggy You better not pout I'm telling you why
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf Santa Claus is coming to town
Fozzie He's making a list and checking it twice
Fozzie He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf Santa Claus is coming to town
Rowlf He sees you when you're sleeping
Rowlf He knows when you're awake
Gonzo He knows that you've been bad or good
Gonzo So be good for goodness sake
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf You better watch out you better not cry
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf You better not pout I'm telling you why
Miss Piggy, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Animal, Scooter and Rowlf Santa Claus is coming to town
Rosita and Pepe sing "Feliz Navidad".
Rosita Feliz Navidad
Rosita Feliz Navidad
Rosita Feliz Navidad
Rosita Prospero año y felicidad.
Pepe Feliz Navidad
Pepe Feliz Navidad
Pepe Feliz Navidad
Pepe Prospero año y felicidad.
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe From the bottom of my heart.
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
Rosita & Pepe From the bottom of my heart.
Robin sings "When the River Meets the Sea".
Robin When the mountain touches the valley
All the clouds are taught to fly
Thus our souls will leave this land most peacefully
Robin Though our minds be filled with questions
In our hearts, we'll understand
When the river meets
Robin Like a flower that has blossomed
In dry and barren sand
We are born and born again most gracefully
Robin Plus the winds of time will take us
With a sure and steady hand
When the river meets the sea.
The entire Muppet family sing "Keep Christmas with You (All Through the Year)".
All Keep Christmas with you all through the year.
When Christmas is over, you can keep it near.
Think of this Christmas Day
When Christmas is far away.
Keep Christmas with you all through the year.
When Christmas is over, same some Christmas cheer.
These precious moments hold them very dear.
And keep Christmas with you all through the year.
Christmas means the spirit of giving
Peace and joy to you.
The goodness of loving, the gladness of living.
So seep Christmas with you all through the year.
When Christmas is over, same some Christmas cheer.
These precious moments hold them very dear.
And keep Christmas with you all through the year.
Yes, keep Christmas with you all through the year.
Applause.
Goodnights
Kermit Well, it — it's been such a great show, that we can hardly bring ourselves to end it. And we all know who we have to thank for that. And so, thank you from all of us, the cast of Sesame Street!
Applause.
Big Bird Thank you Kermit. We have fun.
Telly Monster Yeah, yeah, but we never got to see Santa.
Santa Claus enters.
Santa Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Kermit Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
All the Muppets sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," over the credits
